Young kids are some of the funniest people on the face of the earth. It might be because they don't 100% grasp out adult language or maybe just that they're always brutally honest but kids always find the best time to pull out hilarious and vaguely inappropriate conversation stoppers.
When it comes to a man named James Breakwell, a comedy writer and dad to 4 girls under the age of 7, it seems that his natural talent for comedy has rubbed off on his clan, making for some of the funniest home conversations you'll ever overhear. Luckily for the rest of the world, he posts the funniest content on Twitter for us all to see...
Me: What did you do at school today?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 19, 2018
5-year-old: Learned about dragons.
Me: Your class learned about dragons?
5: I learned about dragons. I don't know what everybody else was doing.
5-year-old: *stares off into space*— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 7, 2017
Me: What's wrong?
5: What happens if a kangaroo jumps on a trampoline?
Me: *stares off into space, too*
Me: *gets burned by bacon grease* Ow!— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 2, 2017
7-year-old: Love hurts.
Me: What are you doing?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 28, 2017
7-year-old: Counting the presents under the tree.
Me: There aren't any presents under the tree.
7: I know.
Passive aggressive level 9000.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 19, 2015
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she's already pretty.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
3-year-old: *holds up a baby doll* What's her name?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 28, 2017
Me: She doesn't have one. You can name her.
3: *kissing baby* I love you, Stupid Face.
She'll make a great mother.
3-year-old: Do boys like Frozen?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 28, 2018
5-year-old: Nobody cares what boys like.
7-year-old: I'm glad I'm not a boy.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) December 1, 2017
7: I like being smart.
3-year-old: Mommy married you.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 31, 2018
Wife: Nobody knows.
2-year-old: *touches my beard* It's soft like a kitty.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 3, 2017
Me: You mean rugged and manly.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) September 7, 2015
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
5-year-old daughter: I think a boy likes me. He drew me a dinosaur.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 25, 2015
Me: That could mean anything.
5: The dinosaur had a hat.
[watching a guy on TV do CPR]— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) March 23, 2016
5-year-old daughter: Why is he kissing her?
Me: He's not. He's saving her life.
5: I'd rather die.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) October 2, 2014
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
4-year-old: Why do you go to work?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) February 28, 2015
Me: They pay me a salary.
4-year-old: I don’t even like celery.
3-year-old daughter: Will I have a baby in my belly someday?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 5, 2016
Me: If you want to.
3: No thanks. That's where I put my candy.
Me: Who ate all the cookies?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) June 6, 2015
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
5 y.o.: Why do people congratulate you when Mom is the one making the baby?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) November 5, 2015
Me: I helped
Me: I read her the instructions
Me: You can't like Kylo Ren. He killed his dad.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 11, 2016
5-year-old: Maybe he deserved it.
I'm never sleeping again.
Me: What happened on the coffee table?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) May 25, 2015
5-year-old daughter: Elsa killed all the stormtroopers. pic.twitter.com/36hCfd1z5s
3-year-old: Today you can drive.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 20, 2018
Me: Well, thank you.
3: And tomorrow I can.
5-year-old: Why can't dogs go to school?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 18, 2018
Me: Dogs are animals.
5: They let in boys.
5-year-old: I'm writing a book.— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 17, 2018
Me: What's it called?
5: I Ate Too Many Cupcakes.
5: It's just pretend because you can never eat too many cupcakes.
7-year-old: What did you do at work?— James Breakwell (@XplodingUnicorn) April 12, 2018